The Austin Dating Chronicles

Yes, you read that correctly. I am not the problem, you are.

You.

The one who takes forever to text back and only wants to talk to me at your own convenience. That’s fine we can FaceTime, but only on your timeline. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours was never mine because the only person you truly respect is yourself.

You.

With your lame ass jokes and your cheetah print shirt. Asking to whisk me away and makes amends because you do not take what I say seriously. Because my word is never the last, this is a test that you will never pass. Instead of letting things be and allowing myself to be set free… you come back. Just like you always do.

Because the only person you truly care about is

You.

With your bright blue eyes and your pretty blond hair, you’re only 5’8, but you don’t care. You stand tall and strong only to make others feel small. First dates are supposed to be fun, but you suggest a swingers bar. Neither of us are married, but you insist we go. You want to explore and see what your married friends are doing. You want to see what all the hype is about. They told you to find a chick so you wouldn’t be the odd man out.

Because after countless times of swiping left and swiping right you did what you had to do to pick the right person to spend your own dime. You want to pick someone who is crazy, who is fun, and who is young.

So you pick

Me.

The one would commented your cheetah print shirt that made you look like a pimp, when in reality all you are is some cheap piece of shit. Your jokes are boring, your swag is old, and you look like someone who has never been told no. Through my lit up screen on FaceTime, I can already tell that you will never want to be mine. I envision you dowsing yourself in Axe body spray, as you continually apologize and text me, practically begging me to stay.

Me.

Standing up and walking away from someone who never intended to stay in the first place.